I'm drivin' my snowmobile to the bar.......

Clarification.....Disclaimer.....whatever it needs to be called. This posting will not use real names of people and places....because those of you reading this will know exactly what I am referring to and nothing else needs to be said about THAT. Whew.
Let me set the scenario for you: Saturday night.... really cold and snowy. It just so happens to be the day of birth of a very volcanic and wonderful friend, we'll call her Amy (because that's her name) Special shout out to ya, girl!  She invites her dearest and nearest to go whoop it up at a local joint, which is on a lake, which has been around forever, which is near their house. I have heard odd stories about this place...let's just say the tales are of white trashers (ok-I said it), loose women, bleached hair, camel toe, fake suede boots, and a band whose members think they are true rockers-thru and thru. Oh-and our waitress was pregnant.
    Let's tackle the band first. If you ever wanted to hear Neil Young do a cover of Run DMC's "Tricky"...then you would have enjoyed the show. The most exciting part was the huge cowbell that was "passed" around the bar so that the patrons could live out their dreams of being a rocker and be a part of the show. I felt like I was at King's Island and at one of the featured musical revues. By the way-I walked into the bathroom for one of my many potties of the night and there was a bottle of Labatts in one of the toilets-that's classy and sexy.
    Now it's time to take on the patrons. Half of the people there had snowmobile stuff on and just got done doing donuts on the lake.Many people had Lions sweatshirts on that they bought when Barry Sanders played. Ooooo-where do I start with the ladies? So many species were represented. You have your typical 20 somethings with anything black and tight on-they go to this establishment to show the older ladies that they have no chance in hell of getting hit on because they have made a special effort to slut it up just enough to say...."I know I'm a slut....but don't tell anyone." They all wear boots (some wear pumps with jeans-which makes my skin crawl) and huge fake Chanel earrings. The 50 + crowd was great-they just want to drink and act like they know how to dance. You could tell that there were some die hard followers of the band....because they would practically soil themselves when the lead singer would point at them while singing "Hot Blooded". There were a few 50+ bleached blondes with frosted plum lipstick that I want to take to a drag bar-enough said.
All in all-nothing beats a great night with the greatest friends on earth...and despite all the mockery that I have hashed out...I would go back there in a minute.

I WOULD LIKE TO THANK THE HOLLYWOOD FOREIGN PRESS......

Alright all you award show junkies....The Golden Globes is the official start of the awards season, so rest up so we can dish dish dish!! I know I may be a little tardy in my observations regarding the whole night-but I wanted to write some fodder down....decide who were the winners....and who were the sinners of the night. Ok-let's start dishing!
Let's move on to the obvious that I will dub my "Golden Globe Obvious List":
...Irony of the night-Alexa Chung in her fugly red dress talking about what everyone was wearing- I am pretty sure she was wearing my grammie's bathroom curtains from 1974.
...Ricky Gervais can call me whatever he wants-some actors got it...some didn't.
...We all know now that the animated feature "Rango" with Johnny Depp starts March 4.
...Christian Bale looked like Jesus or Judas.
...The camera caught Angelina Jolie doing the lip gloss thang-oh my-she is human.
...Halle Berry could put on a Kroger grocery bag and look stunning.
...Glasses seemed to be the running trend among celebs-Annette Benning, you rock with your retro specs!
....Oh Glee Glee Glee
...I love it when lesbians say hi to their kids at home!
...Sandra Bullock's bangs were taking over the planet
...January Jones red tape dress. No boobs are popping out of that thing.
...Helena Bonham Carter-who better to wear mismatched shoes and not come off as crazy?
...Composer Diane Warren looked like Crockett from "Miami Vice" with her suit ensemble.
...Tilda "Happy New Year" Swinton looked like a giant dinner napkin in Jill Sanders.
...Tina Fey-hooray for navy.
...When in the sam was "Barney's Version" released??
...Did no one know how to weave in between the tables while trying to get to the stage??
...Temple Grandin's table would have been a hoot to sit at.
...Mad Men's Christina Hendrick's dress was eating her face.
...I guess I need to see "The Social Network." I hate Facebook.
...Scarlett Johannsson's hair looked like the Bride of Frankestein.
...I think Megan Fox needs another tattoo.
...The critics hated Michelle William's Valentino daisy gown-I thought she was radiant and she looked flawless in her smart pixie haircut!
Last but certainly not least....I would like to personally thank the Holly wood Foreign Press.
Congratulations to all the Golden Globe winners....on to the Academy Awards!

Merry Christmas....I got my period.

So-as I suffer with my "monthly courses" and have cramps that are out of this world, I decided to make really great use of my time and write a song. This song is dedicated to every woman and that pesky monthly gift. Please feel free to sing this to the tune of  "12 Days of Christmas."

On the first day of my period, my monthly gave to me,
A tampon in my hoo-ha...
On the 2nd day of my period, my monthly gave to me,
2 hurting boobies...
On the 3rd day of my period, my monthly gave to me,
3 bad headaches...
On the 4th day of my period, my monthly gave to me,
4 panties wrecked...
On the 5th day of my period, my monthly gave to me,
5 days of blood...
On the sixth day of my period, my monthly gave to me,
6 cramps per hour...
On the seventh day of my period, my monthly gave to me,
7 Midol tablets...
On the eighth day of my period, my monthly gave to me,
8 bowls of ice-cream...
On the ninth day of my period, my monthly gave to me,
9 different mood swings...
On the tenth day of my period, my monthly gave to me,
10 bloated fingers...
On the eleventh day of my period, my monthly gave to me,
11 temper tantrums...
On the twelvth day of my period, my monthly gave to me,
12 pantiliners...
Sing the whole song, and I guarantee you will feel better...from the top....

Excuse me...Ma'am.

I know I know....I am far from 20...but WAY too far from 70. For those people in this world that know me-I am whacky, have my nose pierced and love a good episode of "Jersey Shore", and I think farts are funny. So, why is it the first instinct of someone to call me "Ma'am"?? I do not fit the "Ma'am" profile. I was waiting in line at the grocery store....I liked the line that I was in....and someone with a store walkie talkie (how come anyone with a walkie talkie thinks they are of a higher calling?) said "Ma'am-there's no waiting in lane 12". I felt my heart creep up to my throat-have I crossed the threshold of "Ma'amdom"???....I felt like I was being herded like an old piece of beef into the "Ma'am" line. Am I losing my mind? Doesn't "Ma'am" refer to someone who clearly wears elastic waist pants, Holiday sweaters, and sweatshirts that say "My Grandchildren are my precious gems"? I had on a cap that was clearly of urban style, a lime green coat, skinny jeans (ok-skinny for me-I didn't need CPR after putting them on.), and I had my nose ring in, and was wearing a thong. Does any of that scream "Ma'am"? I don't expect to be addressed as "Hey Lady", or "Hey you". Maybe I am cleary the problem here...am I trying to act younger than I am because I fear the inevitable? Getting older?? I am 43...I have an 18 yr old daughter who makes me laugh, my hubby and I love being the black sheep of the family and we laugh at everything we are not supposed to. In the defense of the person who called me "Ma'am"...maybe it is a customer service instinct that just comes out. I have to remember that this person had no idea who I was. Age, I guess, is a state of mind and I shouldn't care what people call me. I should know who I am and that I'm crazy and don't act my age. If they think I warranted a "Ma'am" reference-then so be it. Ok-I feel much better now...that is all that needs to be said about that....besides, "Ma'am" is way too tedious to type out.

I just farted....and other Facebook posts.

I have a confession. I don't have a Facebook. I don't like Facebook. I don't want to be a slave to Facebook. Ok-I read my hubby's Facebook Newsfeeds all the time. This is why I have decided to never ever ever have a Facebook. I understand the need to know what your classmates from 3rd grade are doing now....but I really don't need to know everything about everyone's daily doings. I think I have to play both sides of the coin here-I do see the importance of "connecting" with people and letting them know important things going on in life. HOWEVER-who cares if so and so went to Meijer and got condensed milk and had to wait in line forever? Who cares if so and so's kid finally took a poopy in the toilet for the first time? Who cares if so and so got their tires rotated? Facebook has become the datebook and grocery list and post it note of this generation. I have had many conversations with people that simply can not start the day without seeing who is doing what when and who is saying stuff about whoever and who's sister is dating someone's brother and got a new dog from someone's uncle who graduated with someone's second cousin. See-that sentence was pure mayhem! I will continue to call my friends and actually talk to them to see what is going on. So-those of you out there who wonder why I am not on Facebook-I hope I cleared this big mystery up. I challenge all of you Facebook addicts, and you all know who you are-call someone and say hi....and then if you want to tell them you waited in line for a ridiculous amount of time at Meijer, it is totally up to you. By the way-I have to take a dump and go to Kroger and mail a letter. Just letting you know.

Sweet Baby...YOU ARE FIRED.

Ron Franklin, you naughty anchor....you done got yourself fired. For those of you who need a refresh. Ron Franklin is an anchor on ESPN....one of those anchors who has aged pretty well and, well...he just looks like an anchor. So here's the setting; Sweet Baby Ron was set to anchor the Tostitos Fiesta Bowl via radio. Jeannine Edwards is one of the sideline reporters-she is one of the people that slows up the coach from going into the locker room at half time and usually wears some ridiculous hat and scarf combo down on the field. Ok-down to the nuts and bolts of the situation. There was a pre-meeting-no one is sure what exactly was said and in what form.....but "Sweet Baby" and "Asshole" came flying out of Ron Franklin's commentating mouth. Jeannine didn't like the derogatory remark of "Sweet Baby" (burn those bras and let's have a firin'!!) SO-she asked dear Ron not to talk to her like that and he replied with an elegant "Okay, Asshole.".....he was pulled from broadcasting the bowl game and fired practically on the spot.Oh-my apologies, ESPN has "ended their relationship" with Mr. Franklin. Ok-maybe I am not the best example of  "I am woman, hear me roar."....but as my buddies say on the NFL Countdown "Come on man!" She was upset about the "Sweet Baby" comment??? I was more upset by the fact that he called her an asshole. So-shame on you Ron for calling a lady an asshole. I'm not done. Jeannine is a talented sideline reporter, but honey, maybe sweet baby was derogatory,but lighten up sweetie, he called you an asshole after that. I know I know-the sexual harassement of the whole referring to a woman as a "sweet baby". It is meant to degrade her make her feel like dirt blah blah blah....I would rather be a sweet baby than an asshole. I have been called both plenty of times.They fired good old Ron because sources say that he had done this type of thing before. ESPN has to go overboard to look out for the lady reporters because they can't handle the task that was originally done by men. That sounds horrible coming from a woman, but I can't help it. I like the men who report on sports, I like a smart looking tie and a sharp suit-whoa now, does that make me sexist???  Good thing he didn't text her a picture of his penis.

I will blog about anything!

This is it....I finally did the blog thing after talking and talking about it....so now I am going from having Diarrhea of the mouth to having the "keyboard trots".....no holds barred....if it enters my mind-I will write about it. From late night products,such as the Windshield Wonder (which I am a proud owner), to having to take a dump at Target because the adrenalin is overwhelming when I get there and see all those purses, to the fact that I want the Eagles to go to the Superbowl.....this is one stop blog shopping with Janet Planet-you will get a buffet of words every time....I hope my quirkiness oozes off the computer and who ever is out there-I hope I can send some laughs along the way.